Okay, I am going to be the first to admit that I am not against war. I have certainly gone to war. I have called upon war at times and I have definitely needed war in my life.
I understand war as a spiritual state of being. There have been times where that has manifested in the natural realm. I will use an antibiotic in a heartbeat if it is needed. I believe it should be reserved for when it is needed and it should be understood and respected. If I am ready to call upon war I must be ready to feel it from every side. However war decides to manifest, I should be prepared.
In any case. I am really having a problem with this love affair and collective mentality that some people in our country have with going into other countries and declaring that things need to change, it is somehow our duty to change them and how we go about that is by going to war with the people.
Why is it so hard for us to accept that our way of thinking isn't the only way?
Why is it so hard to grasp that democracy is a long and patient road to travel. It takes hearing something outside of ourselves and trying to come to a genuine understanding that works for all?
When will we understand that true diversity is identifying and accepting our differences and being able to embrace the other?
No one is invading this country demanding that since people of color are habitually being treated unfairly and even inhumane at times, it is their duty to drop bombs to fix it.
What if other countries decided to stop sending goods to our borders until our minimum wages were raised or every family could afford healthy food choices and decent shelter in this nation where we have plenty of resources for everyone but money and greed dictate who gets the fortune of enjoying them?
I understand I am but a very small voice and my opinion is but a spec in the universe but I wonder if anyone who is in a position of authority is thinking about this on this very basic level.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Grandmom's Bed
Most people who know me know that I was raised by my maternal grandmother until I was ten years old and went to live with my mother.
My grandmother was raised in the south and was a natural caretaker. Anytime I was not feeling well I would climb in her bed and found it to be a place of comfort. Even as an adult, when I was feeling down, or had trouble or just felt lost or alone. I would come and fall into her lap to cry or just climb in her bed to sleep. Somehow when she told me everything was going to be okay, I knew it was.
Five years ago on this date, my grandmother was on her death bed. She was getting hospice care and dying due to complications from major heart surgery. She could have fought and traveled the long road to recovery but she chose to die instead. I was living 600 miles away at the time but when I came to visit her, she demanded I stay and would not allow me to leave her side. Her nurses were so fond of her, they allowed me to stay the night with her and I rode with her in the ambulance that transferred her home the following day. I was with her from the time I walked in her hospital room in the ICU until she took her last breath.
The morning of September 3rd my youngest son was having eye surgery. I was hundreds of miles away and worried. My grandmother insisted that I climb into bed with her. I climbed in that tiny hospital bed and I cried. I told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. I asked her to convey my love to my loved ones who has passed on. I rubbed her head. I kissed her face. I sang to her.
Later that evening she closed her eyes to sleep and took her last breath in the wee hours of the morning.
It has been five years since I have cried in her bed. Since er death, I have gone through some of the most difficult situations and I can hear her voice telling me I am strong and I can get through. Just trust in God and know that everything is going to be alright. I miss her so very much. I am happy to have inherited her strength. The life lessons she taught me are far too many to explain. They live in my heart, just as she does.
My grandmother was raised in the south and was a natural caretaker. Anytime I was not feeling well I would climb in her bed and found it to be a place of comfort. Even as an adult, when I was feeling down, or had trouble or just felt lost or alone. I would come and fall into her lap to cry or just climb in her bed to sleep. Somehow when she told me everything was going to be okay, I knew it was.
Five years ago on this date, my grandmother was on her death bed. She was getting hospice care and dying due to complications from major heart surgery. She could have fought and traveled the long road to recovery but she chose to die instead. I was living 600 miles away at the time but when I came to visit her, she demanded I stay and would not allow me to leave her side. Her nurses were so fond of her, they allowed me to stay the night with her and I rode with her in the ambulance that transferred her home the following day. I was with her from the time I walked in her hospital room in the ICU until she took her last breath.
The morning of September 3rd my youngest son was having eye surgery. I was hundreds of miles away and worried. My grandmother insisted that I climb into bed with her. I climbed in that tiny hospital bed and I cried. I told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. I asked her to convey my love to my loved ones who has passed on. I rubbed her head. I kissed her face. I sang to her.
Later that evening she closed her eyes to sleep and took her last breath in the wee hours of the morning.
It has been five years since I have cried in her bed. Since er death, I have gone through some of the most difficult situations and I can hear her voice telling me I am strong and I can get through. Just trust in God and know that everything is going to be alright. I miss her so very much. I am happy to have inherited her strength. The life lessons she taught me are far too many to explain. They live in my heart, just as she does.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Judgement
I have been hearing people saying that "One shouldn't judge"
I completely disagree with this way of thinking. I feel that judgement is very important. Yes, even when it comes to people. If we are not capable of making a decision or forming an opinion how can we possibly make wise choices? I think it is important to know your own capabilities. I think it is important to learn what is good for you and contributes to your health verses that which is not good for you and unhealthy for you. When I use the word health, I am speaking of spiritual, emotional and physical well being. Everything is not for everybody. All humans deserve human love and respect but intimacy is earned. We need our judgement to make informed choices. And yes, even about people.
I completely disagree with this way of thinking. I feel that judgement is very important. Yes, even when it comes to people. If we are not capable of making a decision or forming an opinion how can we possibly make wise choices? I think it is important to know your own capabilities. I think it is important to learn what is good for you and contributes to your health verses that which is not good for you and unhealthy for you. When I use the word health, I am speaking of spiritual, emotional and physical well being. Everything is not for everybody. All humans deserve human love and respect but intimacy is earned. We need our judgement to make informed choices. And yes, even about people.
Loving The Man
There came this point in our union, years ago, near the beginning where I contemplated walking away from our relationship. There were no major issues going on. There was no abuse. There was no major financial difficulties.There were no issues of infidelity. I just felt like we were not compatible. I wasn't unhappy, I was just afraid of what I felt like was the inevitable.
My man and I are from two completely different worlds and to top it off he has a very strong masculine energy and I have a very strong feminine energy. I came into our relationship a very picky person. The smallest thing would aggravate me and cause me distress. I could not stand for things to be messy. I wanted to talk about everything. If I felt any hint of uneasiness I felt it needed to be addressed right away. I was willing to sit up all night if necessary to work it out. My man on the other hand was a very quiet and shy man especially verbally. He worked things out by doing stuff, fixing things and thinking it through alone. He felt like the long talks about issues were confrontational and he would shut down. He didn't mind messes and he didn't mind making them. He cleaned them when he had time and that could take a few days.
I realized that I was unsatisfied because I was caught up in focusing on what our differences were and how uncomfortable these few things made me. I sat with my feelings and I realized that if I walked away from this man I would be alone and without the many great things he brings into my life.There are just things about him I had grown to love so deeply, I couldn't imagine living without. He may be a messy man but he is certainly a kind man. He may like his silence but there is not a malicious bone in his body. He might not dress the way I like but he is honest. He may be clueless sometimes but he has a generous heart. Most importantly this man loves me. He accepts me with my many flaws, with my loaded history of mistakes and failures. I decided to focus on what works between us. I decided to focus on the love we have for each other. I decided to focus on what was good and common. I decided to love my man.
Since that time our relationship changed tremendously. I find such joy in the small things. I treasure our moments. I delight in him being him. I have learned that there is wisdom in his way. I may live in a messier house with a man who sometimes doesn't care to speak but I am happier than I have ever been. Now we clean up together. Now we talk for hours about things on our minds not just issues that need to be addressed. I am glad I did not walk away. I am glad I decided to change my expectations and embrace our truth and love the man, my beautiful man.
My man and I are from two completely different worlds and to top it off he has a very strong masculine energy and I have a very strong feminine energy. I came into our relationship a very picky person. The smallest thing would aggravate me and cause me distress. I could not stand for things to be messy. I wanted to talk about everything. If I felt any hint of uneasiness I felt it needed to be addressed right away. I was willing to sit up all night if necessary to work it out. My man on the other hand was a very quiet and shy man especially verbally. He worked things out by doing stuff, fixing things and thinking it through alone. He felt like the long talks about issues were confrontational and he would shut down. He didn't mind messes and he didn't mind making them. He cleaned them when he had time and that could take a few days.
I realized that I was unsatisfied because I was caught up in focusing on what our differences were and how uncomfortable these few things made me. I sat with my feelings and I realized that if I walked away from this man I would be alone and without the many great things he brings into my life.There are just things about him I had grown to love so deeply, I couldn't imagine living without. He may be a messy man but he is certainly a kind man. He may like his silence but there is not a malicious bone in his body. He might not dress the way I like but he is honest. He may be clueless sometimes but he has a generous heart. Most importantly this man loves me. He accepts me with my many flaws, with my loaded history of mistakes and failures. I decided to focus on what works between us. I decided to focus on the love we have for each other. I decided to focus on what was good and common. I decided to love my man.
Since that time our relationship changed tremendously. I find such joy in the small things. I treasure our moments. I delight in him being him. I have learned that there is wisdom in his way. I may live in a messier house with a man who sometimes doesn't care to speak but I am happier than I have ever been. Now we clean up together. Now we talk for hours about things on our minds not just issues that need to be addressed. I am glad I did not walk away. I am glad I decided to change my expectations and embrace our truth and love the man, my beautiful man.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
A Thought for Today
At some point while contemplating the reality of my motherhood, I understood that I had to be completely honest about what I was able to give to my children. The only thing I have to offer them is the truth of who I am and my love.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Good Mother
Because I was born into what many perceive as an unconventional home as a child I had to adjust my heart to be okay with my truth. It took years to learn how to be comfortable in my own reality. My parents did not raise me. My mother did not read me bedtime stories and tuck me gently into bed at night. My mother didn't bake cookies and kiss my forehead as she sent me out the door to school. What my mother did do for me was carry me around in her body for 40 weeks and she gave birth to me. Of course she has done much more throughout my life but if she had never done another thing, that is enough. It really is. I am saying this because I had to learn that anything anyone does for me is a gift to me and it is my obligation to be grateful for it. If I was ever going to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with my parents, I had to accept our truth. Not someone else's. My parents are not people who have loads of material riches but they are wealthy in love, generosity, patience, wisdom, support and comfort. I would have missed out on their many gifts and graces had I walked around on this earth holding them to someone else's standards or to the standards that society deems acceptable.
Now, I have eight children. Eight people I have carried, birthed and yes, I have raised them with lots of help from loved ones. Because of my own personal experience with my parents. I have let go of the expectations of others in my own parenting. I have learned to live in my own truth. I have allowed my heart to guide me at times against what my head thinks is right. I have made many mistakes with my children, I have allowed ego and influence to rule me at times, but I have never done anything with intent to harm them. I do not carry any guilt. I do not harbor any regrets. I understand that I am a person who is walking through this life just as they are. I am learning and growing each day. My life calls for me to remain open and absorb as much wisdom and beauty that I can endure. My life calls for me to share my light with those who need me to. That is pretty much it. If that makes me a better mother, then so be it. I am not looking to be a "good mother" I am looking to be a better person than who I was yesterday. I don't owe my children my life. My obligation to them is to love them. I am not concerned about how that looks or feels to others. I know my heart. I know my truth. I am so thankful to my parents for this very real life lesson.
Now, I have eight children. Eight people I have carried, birthed and yes, I have raised them with lots of help from loved ones. Because of my own personal experience with my parents. I have let go of the expectations of others in my own parenting. I have learned to live in my own truth. I have allowed my heart to guide me at times against what my head thinks is right. I have made many mistakes with my children, I have allowed ego and influence to rule me at times, but I have never done anything with intent to harm them. I do not carry any guilt. I do not harbor any regrets. I understand that I am a person who is walking through this life just as they are. I am learning and growing each day. My life calls for me to remain open and absorb as much wisdom and beauty that I can endure. My life calls for me to share my light with those who need me to. That is pretty much it. If that makes me a better mother, then so be it. I am not looking to be a "good mother" I am looking to be a better person than who I was yesterday. I don't owe my children my life. My obligation to them is to love them. I am not concerned about how that looks or feels to others. I know my heart. I know my truth. I am so thankful to my parents for this very real life lesson.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
The Whole Religion Thing
Why is it so hard for people to respect the fact that I do not practice organized religion?
Is it really that hard of a concept to understand that there are some people who walk this earth and have a relationship with and believe in The Divine without the desire to follow some man (who may have been a great man) from thousands of years ago? I just want to set the record straight. I have practiced Christianity. I have practiced Islam. I have studied them both very deeply. They helped me in finding my true path. I believe Jesus and Muhammad carried a deep wisdom and I honor their teachings. I also honor the teachings of my children and ancestors. I honor the teachings of the rock that is in my path. I honor the teachings of the trees that hold against the wind. I honor the Buddha, The Orisha, The Creator in all of Its forms. I am open. I do not believe it is necessary or even correct for me to impose my personal path to The Creator on another human. I even admire those who stand fast in their faith and beliefs. I admire those who allow the truth of these teachings to sink through to their soul and I love to watch them glow with goodness. From what I have learned from the nature of these men (Jesus, Muhammad) it was against what they taught as well. So why do the people who claim to represent and follow these men feel the need to impose their belief on me? Why isn't my path acceptable to them?
Is it really that hard of a concept to understand that there are some people who walk this earth and have a relationship with and believe in The Divine without the desire to follow some man (who may have been a great man) from thousands of years ago? I just want to set the record straight. I have practiced Christianity. I have practiced Islam. I have studied them both very deeply. They helped me in finding my true path. I believe Jesus and Muhammad carried a deep wisdom and I honor their teachings. I also honor the teachings of my children and ancestors. I honor the teachings of the rock that is in my path. I honor the teachings of the trees that hold against the wind. I honor the Buddha, The Orisha, The Creator in all of Its forms. I am open. I do not believe it is necessary or even correct for me to impose my personal path to The Creator on another human. I even admire those who stand fast in their faith and beliefs. I admire those who allow the truth of these teachings to sink through to their soul and I love to watch them glow with goodness. From what I have learned from the nature of these men (Jesus, Muhammad) it was against what they taught as well. So why do the people who claim to represent and follow these men feel the need to impose their belief on me? Why isn't my path acceptable to them?
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